[Archive] Squall and I

Squall was, and is still is, a part of me. While others look up to celebrities, siblings, and parents, I looked up to a fictional game character. His attitude, his character, his intellect; he was something I wasn't. He could just let things off so easily, but I couldn't. It was like “hey, this guy is really cool…”. He's calm and thinks things through, while I was hyper and reckless (still am a tad bit ^^;;). Now, you have to understand; I was a bit younger back then and I wasn't exactly fangirl-obsessive. See, some people look up to others because they both have a common goal. I looked up to Squall because he was completely opposite of me. Anyway, I'll explain later about me and goals.

So, to help "balance" myself out a little, I decided to use Squall-based strategies. I wanted to answer one of those "what if" questions for myself. Not a question like "What if I was Squall?". It was more of a "What if I were someone almost exactly opposite of me?". I actually tried sitting in class, not question the teacher's lesson plan, did what my mom told me (that didn't last >_<;;), and some of other things that I can't quite remember right now. Some people were a bit dumbfounded and probably thought I had finally stopped taking crack O_o;; I would usually get the "Are you okay?" question. It didn't go so well the first week because it wasn't 'me'.

After a while, I had completely became attached to it, and it had become a habit of mine. I eventually got to some point where I stopped caring. Before that, I would just let go of little things, like what color marker I used, or if my hair looked perfect. Unlike Squall, I had friends and family who looked out for me. For some time, I had failed to notice that I was practically ignoring them. I stopped talking on the phone, talking to people in class, stopped talking to anything that wanted to communicate with me about "meaningless" things. There were only a rare few people that I did enjoy talking to, only during lunch, that is. It's not like I was trying hard to be like Squall; I mostly forgot about it. I became completely obsessed over my school work. You wouldn't believe that I shot up from C's and D's to A's within a few months. I had improved academically over some silly "experiment", if you could call it that. That's right; it was some stupid thing I was following in my mind subconsciously.

A little bit before that, as I was playing through FF8, I noticed something about Squall. Does he truly know where he was going in life? Did he have any real goals of his own? I couldn't answer that about him, but I couldn't answer that about myself either. I had never took that question into consideration before. I had been asked that, but I simply gave an "I don't know" a majority of the time. You hear people talk about how they have dreams and goals, but what did I do? I myself had never really discussed it with someone. I remember considering a list of jobs, but none that I took seriously. I worried if I had been this carefree idiot the whole time. So, I ended up trying my best in school, since it was the only thing I had.

After that phase, I went back and forth from being my old self, to.. myself. I would be serious at times, then never at others. It was quite a hectic year too. Then high school hit. I decided to kick the "Squall mode" back on, but not completely. I would still do my work, and learned to stay calm more often. What I wouldn't do was stop caring about everything, especially things that I held important to me.

I still can't bring myself to say that "I was like Squall" or "I am like Squall" after all those years, The only thing I can say is that bit and parts of him are still a part of me. Well, not as profound as before, but you can't guess my next move if you've played FF8. I may have tried to act like him, and it really did help me in the long run, but I'm still me; Squall just somehow helped me mold myself together.

I can't completely relate to Squall either; there will always be something about him that I can't completely comprehend. It's not because he says he's complex, it's because he's realistic: he could just be a real person living in the real world. This one thing that I do have in common with him from the start is that I really do worry about my self-image. However, not too many people offline know that. Like him, I also sorta "disguise" myself. I just give people the impression that I'm carefree. I know that everyone cares about what others think of themselves too, but not like me. I worry about myself, and I fear myself. Pretty confusing, isn't it? It's a bit hard to explain, and that's another story for some other time.

Point of this story? No point, really. I just wanted to say something. Even though I couldn't be him, he was still an influence to me. And it goes to show, that anyone or anything, fictional or not, could have an impact on just about anyone, in the most unlikely ways.

If you wanted to know the one thing I truly envied, the one thing I could bring myself to do no matter how hard I tried, is that he didn't live in reality, but I did. It took me quite a while to figure that out too...

About Antihero
Antihero is a fansite dedicated to Squall Leonhart, a fictional character from Final Fantasy 8. Started in August 2004, this site hosts a collection of analyrical essays and writings geared towards helping to understand the character on a critical level. All personal opinions are subject to debate. Also featured is an archive of images collected from various places over the years.
To my brother, for allowing me to play this game on the console, otherwise I would not have. To all of my friends in the shrine community who have supported this dedication and up with its constant transformation. And to all of the visitors, old and new, who have come throughout the years: this site wouldn't be here without you.
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